• job search rant

    job searching as a neurodivergent being is a nightmare. i am not super committed to the concept of being a human, but fuck does the job search process feel so fucking dehumanizing.

    After less than a year at a job it took me eight months to find, i am getting laid off. i had asked in the interview about job longevity and they up-talked all these future projects they would have for me to work on designing and running. i do not know what i expected, xtians are pros at lying.

    so here i am now, browsing the classifieds most of my work day and it is a hellscape. fake jobs. jobs with hundreds of applicants who already applied. jobs with too low a pay for unrealistic requirements.

    The worst of it al is how much AI has seeped into the job market at every level.

    Most places do their entire first screening of applicants using an ATS. This means that you need to make sure your resume and cover letter have exact language from the job posting or their AI will toss your application out. Paraphrasing, equivalent phrasing, and personal narratives will not correctly parse in these systems. You will be rejected despite all your experience. It is so notoriously bad, the state runs workshops on how to apply so you can get past this initial screening. If a system is this broken, it should be scrapped.

    i cannot help but feel that places which claim to want creativity but use ATS do not want genuine creative minds, they want some mild salsa.

    What is even worse it that ATS is the reason you have to submit a resume and cover letter only to reinput all that information into text boxes. These systems cannot properly read pdfs with even the most bare bones formatting.

    Then there is the pseudoscience personality tests. These are about as accurate in learning about someone as a Buzzfeed quiz (and at least a Buzzfeed quiz is fun). Arbitrary values are assigned to emotions and actions that are void of context that would help my neurodivergent brain determine if i would be feeling those emotions or not and if they are appropriate for the situation or not–no one is always “confident” or “Self-assured.” And what the fuck is “emotional” supposed to tell you. Beings are always experiencing emotions, and the level and type of emotion changes throughout the day.

    If a job application makes you take one of these, they definitely use a cult-y “team / org building” system that is used in place of building genuine relationships and connections.

    my soon to be former employer uses Outward Mindset, which mainly remind cis-het white dudes (it is created by mormons, barf) that empathy is important and that other people have feelings too. It also pushes principles such as “don’t gather up allies when facing a problem,” which feels like anti-union culture. It can also be use by C-suites and managers to ignore complaints and accuse staff of “thinking inward” when they have grievances.

    Fuck this corporate culture shit!

    At least with job applications i can just plop in the language from the job posting in my resume so that the hiring company’s AI likes it. There is no workaround the culture cult that decides your autistic ass is not a good fit because you feel emotions and need to verbally process problems with other people.

    Fuck corpos, burn shit, lynch the landlord. i hope they are consumed and crushed by the systems they have created.

  • Happy Birthday Mary Wollsontecraft Shelley!

    <i> am taking some <pto> and tryng to stay off <screens>. But <i> <wanted> to <inform / remind> folks that today is Mary Wollsontecraft Shelley’s birthday. (note, <i> always <try> to include the dual last names out of <respect/ reverence> for her <lineage>.)

    <i> did a <reading / ritual> for her <using> one of <my> <favorite / beloveded> decks (Tarotbot black) as her <work / writing> <trailblazed> <unhuman> <narratives>, <creating> <space> for the <science fiction> <we> are familiar with today.

    it <felt> <appropriate>, the victorians <loved> the occult and there is an <interesting> <correlation/ inclusion> of <spirituality> in <science fiction> that <feels> partly like the <offspring> of the <emergence> of the <genre> and the victorian <fascination> with the occult.

    Tonight, in veneration, <my partner> and <i> will <brew> some chai and start Alien:Earth. RIP Mary, you would have loved androids.

  • Disposable

    <I> didn’t put that <word> <under erasure> because <i> <know> that’s how <i> <feel>. <i> have been <informed> that <i> can keep <working> until november, but there’s no <budget> for <my> role after that. <funny> (not haha) how even at a small <non-profit> the c-suites can travel to rome on the org’s <dime> for a <conference> and <earn> 100k more than their <employees>, but <we> have to be <cut>.

    the capitalist structures <we> <live under> do not help the disposability <i> frequently <feel>. the <hopes> that when <i> <leave>, someone will stay <in touch> are <always> <killed off> by lack of texts back and <deferred> plans to meet up. <i> am somehow always <filling>; impossible to miss when <i> am there, but <my> <absence> doesn’t seem to <matter>.

    <i> <wrote> a line in an almost <love> <poem> once. it goes: “i don’t want to be seen; / i need to be felt”. it <speaks> to <my> disposability, the way <i> get <told> <i> do <good work> and that <my> <contributions> are <greatly appreciated>; when <i> am <physically> <visible> and <helping> there is <appreciation>. But <i> don’t <think / believe> <i> am <felt> in most spaces. at least not in a manner that <creates> a <void> sensation when <i> am <gone / absent>.

    is <this> a <failure> of <me> or <others>?

  • <finding> motivation

    it is so <easy> to <fall / trip> into <complacency> or out of <good> habits when <i> am <stressed / anxious / angry>. <i> am <proud? of <myself> that this <time> <i> didn’t <fall off> of <my> cleaning and meal prep habits; cannot <afford> to <buying> lunch when <money> might be <tight> <soon> and <clean> spaces are something within <my> <control>. But <writing> is <harder> habit for <me> to <keep up> with when <struggling>.

    but <here> (<i> <think>) <i> <am>. <reviewing> proofs, <writing> handouts, and scheduling trainings and trainers, <pretending> that <we> all <might not> be continuing <our> work come September.

    <i> asked <my> favorite tarot deck (The Cyber Deck: tarot for the future; a deck <i> <found> at a thrift store in a cassette tape case) for <general> <advice> and <pulled> manacles (<suggesting> unfair actions and time to break old habits and start new things to avoid <feeling> trapped), peacemaker (which, <interestingly>, reads as destruction of all that matters and broken dreams–though perhaps overstated), and the hanged man in reverse (<he> speaks of sacrifice, the influence of society, and a need for purpose and inward searching when viewed as though <he> were upright).

    <foreboding>, surely. but there is also <comfort> in being <reassured> that <living> is <hard> and the <uncaring> <we> have <allowed> to be <in charge> are making things worse. (<i> am certain about that worse, it is not <under erasure>.)

    <purpose> and <lives> will have to <shift> for <survival>. And it will be <hard>. and while <watching> Andor last night, <i> was <reminded> that those who do <care> and <hold> some power will also have to make <hard> choices. Rebellion against empire is not without sacrifice.

  • <anger>

    it was <inevitable> that the feds’ <actions> would effect <my> <job>. 16% of <our> <employees> are going to be laid off (or vacant spots won’t be filled) because <our> state <cut back> <funding> in attempt to <appease> the fascists <bulldozing> <our> country. <my> <job> status is tbd. but even <worse>, the vulnerable population <we> serve are going to have their services cut.

    so here is an <angry> <not-a-zine>, <not-and-art>.

  • July reading wrap-up

    well, it was an <unsuccessful / low quantity> <reading> month. something about july makes it an <unusually> <difficult> mental <health> month for <me>. <i> call it <my> <summertime blues>.

    <i> did get <overwhelmed> by <my> library request arriving all within a week <despite> <me> placing the hold spaced out with the <hope> that would <trickle in>. there is <something> to be <said> about <neurodivergence> and too many <choices> causing <decision making <dysfunction>>.

    but <enough> about <my> <summertime blues>, what about the <books>. <my>, albeit <unfinished> <favorite> this month was “dungeon crawler carl.” <i> had to return it to the library about <three quarters> of the way through, because holy crap is this <book> <in demand>. <i> wound up <purchasing> a <used <copy>> of the hardback with the <new> covers to <finish> it. Princess donut is the <only> monarch <i> <love>.

    “skin” and “holy Lacrimony” both had <very different> but stunning art styles. “holy lacrimony’s” exploration of <human> <emotions> through <psychedelic> <alien> art <captures / depicts> <depression / sadness> in a manner both <familiar> and <uneasy>. “skin” has a <lovely> sketch book <inspired> <style> that still manages to <convey> two whole <worlds> of <emotion> as it <follows> the <similar yet different> lives of two women decades <apart>. one of <my> <favorite> <stylistic> choices in the <book> is the way that drawn panels are often <foregone> in favor of sketching out the <characters> in stages <across> the mise-en-scène (<think> Picasso’s “nude descending a staircase”).

    and <of course> there is a <soft spot> in <my <heart>> for “life drawing.” Xaime hernandez is <my> <favorite> of the brothers both for his <style> and <stories>. <i> <adore> maggie and hopey, and <watching> them <become> middle aged is <bittersweet>. “life drawing’s” <main> characters are a <new>, <younger> group of girls, but just like <real life>, these girls are <going through> all the <same> range of <experiences> and <emotions> as maggie and hopey did. if <i> am not mistaken, the last chapter of “life drawing” even <reproduces> panels from an earlier “love and rockets” with tonta and her friends. even though <time> ticks on, <we> are <bound> <together> through <sharing> the <experiences> that <create / forge> <us>.

    for august <i> have already started with “the Kakogawa food detectives” and am <looking forward> to the new Alison Bechdel.

  • it’s a <pleasure> to <cut out>

    Daily writing prompt
    Describe one habit that brings you joy.

    (the angle brackets don’t <appear> on the <daily prompt> page and it <delights> <me>. <visual erasure> for the <un-aesthetic> page where the replies appear.)

    This is not the <cutting out> that brings <me> <pleasure / joy>, however. rather, <i> am <thinking> about the <delight / excitement> that come from <purchasing> some 50¢ magazines from the library <store>, settling down with a <sharp> pair of scissors, and <cutting out> the <words / images / textures> that <feel> <good / interesting>.

    This isn’t <simply> <cutting out> just to <cut out>. <i> <enjoy> collage(is <enjoying> the same as being <brought joy>?), so the <goal> is to have a stockpile of <images> to <play> with when <assembling>. <sometimes> the <cutting out> will <inspire> a <tone / vibe / piece> and <other times> <i> am <hunting / searching> for <matching / complimentary / contrasting> <images> to an <idea / whim> <i> already have. Either way, the <process> is <meditative>. <i> just start <cutting> so <i> can begin to <visualize> the section in <isolation> from the <sum of its parts> and will allow that to decide the shape of the <cut>–<rounded or sharp> edges, <close cut, slight environmental highlight, or more background>? it’s <working / feeling out> the pages, having a <conversation / dialogue> with dozens of <artists / writers / typographers / photographers>.

    it’s sometimes more <meditative> than savasana at the end of a yoga session (especially when youtube keeps auto playing shark tale after the yoga video when <i> just want to lay in <silence> for a moment). Give it a go; <cut / collect> some <images> and <paste> them into something <new>!

  • why do <you> <write> like that?

    Depends on what is <meant / intended> by “like that.” as a visual <poet> and zine <creator>, <i> <wanted / desired> a visual way to convey <uncertainty / impreciseness> in <my> <writing>. the <written> word is a beautifully imperfect way of <communicating> that <asks / requires> the <writer> to constantly be making language choices. and these choices are frequently never <perfect>. <communication can never be perfect>.

    <i> was <inspired> by a few different <philosophers / artists> to use angle brackets to <visualize / convey> uncertainty. like a good little grad school <student>, <i> read <theory>, lots and lots of <theory>. and <i> had a <<post> structuralist / deconstructionist> phase, which included plenty of Derrida and a desire for the <pursuit> of <creative> <writing> that could <visualize / verbalize> “sous rature” in <interesting / narratively productive> ways. Derrida (and yes, Heidegger is the <primary> source for this, but <i> have yet to locate a <desire> to <read> Heidegger) would <visualize> this in his own <writing> for <signifiers / words> that he <felt / believed> were “inadequate yet necessary” by <striking through / placing under erasure> the <inadequately necessary> words. <i> have <chosen / selected> the angle bracket for <my> own form of marking <erasure>. it is not a <form> of <writing> <i> always <employ / use>; <obviously> <i> don’t write like this in day-to-day correspondence and in the materials <i> create for work, and <poetry> that <i> want to send out for publication takes on a more <normal> structure. but blog posts and zines are a <adequate / appropriate> medium for <writing> in this experiential style.

    it’s also a way <i> used to express <my> own self uncertainty. <i> even wrote a zine about placing <myself> <under erasure>.

    but what about the forward slash in-between the bracketed words sometimes? <my> utilization of this was <inspired / provoked> by the translation of the board in control. in control the board is the <inter / intra> dimensional entity that the director of the federal bureau of control <answers to / get help from>. this / these entities are <incomprehensible> visually and auditorily. when they are speaking to Jessie in the game, their <garble> is translated in subtitles. But much in the way that derrida <writes> about words <containing / encompassing> both the <curse> and the <cure>, many of the phrases and words that are <translated> from the board <translate> into uncertainty which is <visualized / verbalized> in the subtitles by <displaying / offering> the <duplicating> meanings with forward slashes between them. and everything the board says is under <erasure> by already being an <interpretation> as all <translation> is, and this is <written / visualize> via the use of angle brackets. <i> don’t use it in <exactly> the same way, but <i> enjoy the <visualization> and slightly more <precision> of <visually> displaying the <words> <i> was deciding amongst, <folding / including> the multitude of <meaning> hiding in all <language>.

    there is also the additional <bonus> of <odd / funky> formatting <disrupting / disturbing> the scraping of <ai / algorithmic <<re>production>>.

  • so, <you> don’t want to <play> d&d

    Daily writing prompt
    What’s your favorite game (card, board, video, etc.)? Why?

    <I> hear <you>. The books are expensive. Maybe <fantasy> isn’t <your> <genre> (<I myself> am more of a <science fiction> <guy>). Or perhaps <you> don’t <feel like> supporting Wizards of the Coast and Habsoro. This doesn’t mean the expansive world of <tabletop role play gaming> is something forever closed to <you>. There’s a whole <universe / expanse> of TTRPGs out there with something for <everyone>. And oh boy do <I> have <some> recommendations for you! 

    If <you> adore shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The X-Files, and Supernatural and the idea of teaming up to fight the things that go bump in the night <excites> <you>, Monster of the Week might be <the game> for <you>. Working with a simplified ruleset and just a set of D6 dice, <you> can play as a <monster hunter archetype> inspired by a range of <monster media>, develop in-game relationships between characters, and keep <humanity> safe from dangers <they> don’t even <believe> in. 

    Are <you> more of a heavy metal or Mad Max fan? Do <you> <enjoy> splatterpunk video games like DOOM or Dead Space? Can <you> not get <enough> of the rot, ruin, and <nightmares> of Silent Hill? MÖRK BORG is a dark fantasy populated with decaying kingdoms, corrupt monarchies, and eldritch horrors. As <you> play, cryptic <prophecies> from a millennium long gone are fulfilled. <The end of the world is nigh.> What <you> do in the dying light is up to <you>.  

    One of the best parts about MÖRK BORG is that it not only has a generous third-party license leading to a thriving community <writing and sharing> adventures, but it also has many setting iterations (always with heavy metal and the end of the world). <My> favorites include the cyberpunk inspired CY-BORG, the cutting <satire> of corporate oligarchies and late-stage capitalism in CORP BORG, and <i> am also looking forward to the Watership Down inspired BUNNY BORG

    Maybe that’s all too much <excitement> for <you>. <You> like the idea of bunnies, but <you> want something more <peaceful>. Maybe even something more <slice of life> inspired. Less Inlé-rah and more The Wind in the Willows or Hayao Miyazaki. Wanderhome might be the <game> for <you>. In the pastoral world of Hæth, <you> will play a critter-folk traveling through the turning seasons. Along the way, <your> party will solve the types of <mysteries> and ordinary problems that arise in nature centered, peaceful towns and villages. Free of combat and part of the Belonging Outside Belonging project, the playstyle focuses on building <relationships>, <helping> with community struggles, and player <choices>. 

    there is a <system> out there for <almost any> genre and setting <you> can <imagine>. and <i> have a <backlog> of game manuals to <work / read> through. stick around as <i> <work> on getting a <better / improved> <writing> rhythm, and <i> am sure <you> will hear <more>.

  • June reading wrap-up

    one of <my> personal <goals / aims> this year was to <re-learn> how to read for <enjoyment / pleasure>. being in college <in one form or another> since <i> was 18 <slowly> sapped <my> desire to read for pleasure until <i> just wasn’t <doing it> anymore. this year, to get a <running start>, <i> participated in Storygraph’s January reading challenge, <reading> at least one page a day each day of the month. <i> think this help <recondition / reprogram> <my> brain to slowly <re-find> the <enjoyment / pleasure> of <text>.

    Since January, <i> have been steadily keeping it up. <not> every day <mind you>, but fairly consistently (<i> stopped tracking pages read, so <my> storygraph reading chart reflects the days <i> logged the <book / text> as <finished>). and <i> even signed up for a library card in <my> new city and have <borrowing> instead of <buying>.

    this month <my> favorite was the <archive of alternate endings>. <i> love <narratives> that tell one <story> through the telling of another, and the way the <narrative> wove everything together was <beautiful>. <i> was not expecting the through line half-way through to windup being about the aids crisis and <i> found <myself> sobbing.

    <my> least favorite was <the king in yellow>. the first four <stories> in the collection were alright. <i> do like the <mystique / unreliability> of <reality> in <cosmic horror> and <i> do realize that Robert chambers was one of the <first> to write in this genre, but for <enjoyment / pleasure> it was not as <exciting> as what <others> following chambers have done with the <mythos>. <i> would still suggest <folks> that are into <cosmic horror> read the first four <stories> to gain a historical perspective of the <emergence / evolution> of the <genre>. after the first four <stories>, the collection completely shifts genres into tales that have <little to nothing> to do with <the king yellow mythos>, and many of them are romance tales, which are not a <genre> <i> prefer to read.

    an <amusing> side story, <the house without the door> <i> read because, after years of searching, <i> thought it was the same <mystery novel> <i> had borrowed from <my> great-grandmother’s bookshelf when <i> was in middle school. <i> vaguely <remembered> the plot and the title being something about a house and door. <i> found the elizabeth daly <book> thanks to the <Preservation> efforts of <online> <archives> and assumed it was the <correct> <book>. <it> did not quite <feel> like the <book> <i> vaguely <remembered> the farther <i> got into it, but <i> kept reading anyway as a <good> <mystery> is almost never a <waste> of <time>. after finishing <it>, <i> started to doubt <my> <memory>. <maybe> this was the <book> <I> had read and <i> was <conflating / confusing> the plot with another <book / text>. as <i> logging it into storygraph however, another <mystery novel> with the same title was <suggested> in the search bar, and <my> long search for the partially <remembered> <book / text> came to an <end>. <i> ordered a cheap, used copy <online>, and after years of searching off and on, <i> will get to <indulge> in a little <nostalgia> with <the house without a door> by thomas sterling and also have been introduced to daly, a women pulp writer from the 40s.

    <looking forward> to many great reads in July, starting with the new Xaime hernandez <graphic novel> and a long awaited copy of <dungeon crawler carl> from the library.

ABout

electric.dick is a <queer>, <trans>, anarcho-posthumanist who grew up in San antonio, tx.

<they> are a grad school <dropout> trying to rediscover what made <them> excited about <poetry, art, and writing>.

<they> spend <their> days working in positions that allow <them> to be an activist for equity and inclusion. in <their> <free time> <they> create blackout <poetry>, <write> and collage zines, plot out TTRPGS, try to <urban homestead>, read a lot of chuck tingle, comics, and queer sci-fi, make shitty glitch graphics, and play a lot of indie video games (especially ones with robots, unhumans, cats, or un-serious dating sims).

their <corporeal form> resides in the PNW with <their> partner, cats, bin of vermiculture, and houseplants.

<you> can find some of <their> zines at their itch.io page.